CN Unethical age gaps in relationships, trauma, DID, angry and a bit blunt text I wrote as an answer to being asked what things could make such a relationship „bad“ by an over 30 year old that’s currently dating a 19 year old person with DID that previously broke off a date with them because it didn’t feel okay

There’s basically a milliard ways I can already tell that the situation you have is past any watching out. First of all, you are listening to a 19 year old that’s basically stomping their feet and screaming “But I’m an adult!!! We can date!!! I’ve been an adult for soooooo long and feel so disconnected to people actually my age!” Yeah, that sounds an awful lot like a kid explaining that they can play the videogame with the scary zombies. The mere fact that that is still attractive to you, 30+, and you don’t see kid that probably had 0 useful, safe guidance from adults in their life proves that you are not equipped to be that useful, safe adult in their life. But because they don’t know how such a person would feel, they are attracted to you instead.

You know, that person will probably not be able to be a responsible adult for themselves for a long time. They are likely gonna have some shitty relationships, because they are looking for the wrong things and did not have the time, space and most importantly safety so they can heal and grow up. What they think they need is guided by the self-soothing behaviours they needed to survive so far. Biggest job of any DID is pretending to the conscious part of the self that they’re safe and can handle shit in situations that are overwhelming or even deeply traumatizing. Sometimes, that means completely “forgetting” that shit happened. But more often, it means convincing the person that they are more proficient and more in control and therefore less endangered. This is why you are interesting to that person: you are older and probably treating them like you’re the same, finally someone is taking them seriously, that is the validation they’ve been looking for all along. But no one that’s actually older and mature to your actual age would do so, cause they’d see right through the younger persons struggles. They need safe, secure, non-intimate relationships, a person that’s anchoring them, mentoring, they can return to. They basically need a parent and because they did not have a good one maybe ever, they’re gonna need one for a lot longer than their peers that had that privilege. The parts of a system that take over as “the adults” learned to do so on the basis of the world of a kid, maybe even a toddler. They need a lot longer to grow out of bad decision-making and to figure shit out now but the problem is, they don’t know. Part of them becoming an actual adult will be that at some point they can give (or receive from a trusted, safe older friend) themselves enough secure attachment that they can be scared and feel a lot younger than they did in a long time. But it’s gonna be work and it’s gonna take a long time before they might feel safe enough to even acknowledge that they need help and are not doing fine. DID is for hiding from yourself that you’re not fine. Hence it also fucks with your ability to consent and consent with any system is delicate, delicate work. Either, it can be safe enough it you have very little attachment and they’re good at protecting their interest, or it can be safe when there’s a lot of work going into creating a more secure attachment to all the parts of the system that attach without the conscious parts realizing.

Their alienation among peers is completely normal for people with DID. I hung around with a bunch of mid-20 to 40 year olds when I was that age. But, while they treated me as a peer, they were also careful and aware that I sometimes needed a very carefully framed question or hint to a healthier solution for a problem I was facing. That didn’t protect me from abuse by a person twice my age in a whole other circle, though. One of them fell in love with another peer whose age was around 23 at that time, he was turning 40. She fell for him too, they talked about it, and he declined any intimate relationship cause he saw that no matter how he turned it around in his head, she was too young and there was no way that relationship would be healthy for her development long term. And that there is respect and mature love for you, not putting your desperate needs first and ignoring and explaining away and diving into a fantastic illusion you’re both clinging too because you haven’t worked your attachment trauma out yet. You had a partner with a big age gap already and I sincerely doubt that you acted responsible as one could expect from your age in that relationship. Respect for a partner includes listening to them when they tell you what you’re doing in another relationship is harming the other person.

The age gap in your relationship to that 19 year old is not to be discussed with that person. They are gonna feel threatened, scared to lose you, are way too attached to you already and most likely dating you because of a trauma response they don’t even understand yet. Of course they are gonna say anything to convince you that the age gap is not a problem and all your friends just don’t get that what you two have is different and special, just as themselves. And of course they got to pretend and convince themselves and you too that this is all healthy and they aren’t emotionally dependent to you at all and have it all figured out. If you fall for it, it’s because you’re looking for a way so it can be okay. But that’s a bit like asking ChatGPT to give you an ethical way out of a situation you should be taking responsibility for. Or asking a puppy you’re not able to care for if it wants to be left at a shelter (nope it does not want that, yes, it’s still better for the puppy).

So, things to avoid: a relationship to a kid that’s trying to figure out how to be an adult and thus fucking up their development and healing for the next couple of years and justifying it all because you can’t see how it could fuck up everything for them even when they’re so happy to be with you

Things to watch out for: a good therapist that helps you figure out how your attachment works and why so you can carry your share of relationship work so cool people your actual age are interested in and interesting to you