It’s so hard to write this text. Everything hurts and I’m just desperate to not be alone with all these feelings. It’s about mental disability, social isolation trauma, oppression – and dog training.

I feel like the world’s worst dog trainer often and I’m fighting so hard against this pain. So I’ll share it and maybe, hopefully, there’s someone out there who reads it and feels less lonely.

ADHD and routine

I cannot stick to a routine or method no matter how hard I try. My ADHD brain makes me super anxious as soon as I am under any kind of pressure to perform a task. So I always have to finde new things, new paths*, new* games, new rules, new tools.

And the hurt, lonely part of that ADHD brain says: Just because I am who I am, I can never be good or get the most basic things right or reach anything in life and specifically as a dog trainer. Everyone else will be better than me and reach their goals, even if they’re not even trying their best. And that hurt really goes down to the core.

Autism and unpredictable behaviours

I am a late diagnosed autistic and unpredictable things are hard. Unexpected sensory input is stressful. Unexpected interactions are heavy on my nerves. Loud noises, or pain in my body is sometimes so terrifying that I need all my strength to not lash out at its cause. I’m a reactive dog owner and there’s no amount of training that will make me less sensitive. I am actively working on counter-conditioning and gentle emotional regulation and disconnecting triggers from trauma, but that will be the work of a lifetime. I didn’t know for a long time about my autism and have had so many adverse experiences.

The hurt, lonely part of me says: Good trainers have patience. They are basically saints and never get emotional. But sometimes, your dog pulls on the leash and you want to cry because it feels so out of control and you’re desperate for it to finally stop. But you have to carry 100% of the mental and emotional load of what you and the dog experience and there’s no help that understands.

Emotional dysregulation as a trauma symptom

Emotional regulations for trauma survivors is hard. It’s extra hard when you’re bipolar and there are times when everything’s just good and easy and your executive function is peaking and your ADHD symptoms are loads better and then all of a sudden, your world crashes into the deepest episodes of depression where you see no light at all, feel no love at all.

I didn’t learn to self-soothe as a child. I didn’t learn to regulate or control my emotions or their output except for dissociating and not feeling them at all, but also not actively living at all. There are so many unhealthy, hurtful patterns that I learned from my family. I learned that oppression is the way to protect yourself from everything and that they who are the strongest can protect themselves from unwanted sensory input, protect their boundaries, make everything stick to their world view, plans and expectations. If you cannot cope with anything going awry and adapting to change is so threateningly hard, it’s a short route to wanting to ceise power and control whenever you can.

The part of me that sees me as a villain says: The people that understand your struggle and your want for power and control don’t see it as a bad thing and would empower you to oppress others, and the people that would question it, they’re all above it and can act on their believes. For them it’s not work to not want to hit their dog. They are able to handle the mental load and regulate themselves

**The part of me that hears about other people’s depression says: ****Well look at that. They are still able to love their pets. They don’t hate them just because they might hate themselves. You’re not even a good depressed person. There’s just not enough love in you. You don’t deserve that dog that would never, ever leave you.

Ethical questions – dog ownership and ableism

I believe that we do not have any right to own animals. It is our job to give them safe, loving homes if they cannot live in freedom and grant them the most autonomy we can while still respecting everyone’s boundaries. Many people could probably give a better home to my dog. Even people working with traditional methods including force. Because maybe they could manage the consistent, calm environment that would help him overcome his problems and get access to a lot of freedom.

And from an outside viewpoint, I’d probably see myself and my dog and say “Yeah, that’s not a good match. There’s a dog with lots of energy and aggression weighing almost the same as his chronically ill, traumatised, constantly fatigued, burnt-out, anxious, dysregulated owner. Why are they not seeing reason?“

The worst was when I opened up about my stress to an older friend that highly valued my training methods and tips and she just told me that I should give him up if it’s that much of a burden. As if it were childlike and unwise of me to hold onto something that’s at the very center of who and what I want to be and become. Silly me, having dreams despite being disabled and traumatized and ill.

I tried to find another home for him but all those people that are probably much better trainers… they did not want him. So I chose to rather lose my housing than lose my dog, and I did, and it was 100% the right choice (we luckily found a place to live in again a year later though). I often feel like there’s nothing I can offer. I can’t always love my dog same as I can’t always love myself or love being alive. I’ve had people tell me that I can’t do it yet I still got so far with him.

But I know that I want to do more than just survive. I want to dream, too. I want to change the world, and if it’s only a tiny wee bit. And I don’t want to feel alone. I don’t want to stay quiet and ashamed. I won’t. So tell me – what’s your struggle as a dog trainer?